Dad took his own life a month ago. His pain and addictions were too much for him. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell him that I loved him one last time. I didn't get to tell him how much he meant to me. I didn't thank him for teaching me to fish, work hard and love good food. It seems like yesterday this happened: 2 short Years Ago.
We got 2 precious years more because of that experience. We spent those 2 years laughing, spending time together and more than anything, loving our family fiercely.
Slowly, but surely, the addiction took back over his life. The last time I talked to him was about a month before he died. I told him I needed to figure out who I was and do some recovery of my own. He understood and I told him I loved him. I question that decision every minute of every day. Did I give up too soon? Could I have said something to make him change his mind? He must have felt so alone. Where is he now? Will I see him again? What will our kids remember?
When will it not hurt so bad? Am I going to cry every day for the rest of my life?
9/14/11- The Viewing, Broomhead Funeral Home
Dad's brother, Uncle Brent & Grandpa Lloyd (Dad's Dad)
The Boys- Grandpa Lloyd, Uncle Brent, John (cousin) & Justice (cousin)
Most of us..
(L to R: Duke, Me, Linds, Levi, Gina, Kristy, Doug, Mom, Braxton, Ben, Ter & Julia)
9/15/11- Funeral, Lighthouse Church (JN Stake Center) & West Jordan Cemetary
Pallbearers: Doug, John, Duke, Matt, Seth, Uncle Brent, Alan and Nate.
It was a beautiful Fall day. Perfect temperature (Dad hated being too hot)- we all shared memories of Dad and things that we will never forget. We had some laughs (Dad wouldn't have wanted us to be sad) and felt so much love from our friends and family.
Until we meet again.
10 comments:
jenn- this news is terrible. my heart is hurting for you and your family. our thought and prayers will be of you, your dad, and the family he left behind. we love you guys, and i am so sorry for your loss.
I think about you every day (helps that I drive past every day too) and wonder how you're doing. I just can't imagine...
Like you mentioned in the post, focus on the good things and that your dad wouldn't have wanted you all to be sad -I'm sure that's the hardest thing of all for him to realize now.
Anyhow, I'm still here and always will be for ya, Jen, I admire your strength and gift of laughter. Hang in girlie, hang in. Love you and thank you for sharing those pics and your experience.
Jenn! I am Sorry! Love you! I don't really know what to say but my heart hurts for you and I am really just so sorry!
Oh Jenn! I'm so sorry, my heart just aches for you and your family. I just love and am here if you need anything. Love ya!
Jenn,
Thank you so much for sharing. Your dad knew how much you loved him, so please don't have any regrets. People say that suicide is selfish, and for the people left behind it seems that way. For him, he needed to get out of the pain he was in.
Continue his memory by sharing every tradition with your kids.
I love you, please let me know if you need anything, or just a shoulder to cry on,
Oh Jen. I'm am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I am sending one in this note. You will be in my prayers.
Sending prayers and love your way! What a sweet tribute and love the pictures you posted. I'm so sorry for your loss. We love you guys!
Jenn.
I'm sorry I said that I know how you feel. I don't know, all I know is this hurts me to watch you go through this. I love you, I know how it feels to lose precious parents, and how it feels to think, "I need to tell Dad about this" and then remember, and think how stupid it was to let yourself think about calling him. Does that make sense? I'm sorry sweetheart.
I still regret that I wasn't in Salt Lake the night my dad died.
I don't know how it feels to blame yourself for it, but please don't! It wasn't you, you are too too wonderful, and he wouldn't want you to blame yourself.
You are such a precious person/mommy/wife/sister/friend/daughter. You'll see him again, I'm sure of it.
I love you, and think about you more than you might think. I would love to talk to you, if you need to talk my e-mail is crickieastin@msn.com, i can give you my phone number.
I love you, you are an angel!
-Nickie
Love this post of your dad Jenn! Loved the services too...you all did a great job with it and I loved being able to hear of the great memories ya'll shared as a family...laughing and crying through it all...what an AMAZING family you have! Love you guys soooo MUCH!!
Jenn - I think that I have been in la-la land. I had no idea that this is what happened. I never check anyone's blogs any more, let alone update my own. I can't tell you how sorry that I am about all of this. I know we don't know each other too well, but I just wish I could be there to give you a big hug. You can and will get through this, it's just going to take time. Please know that Geoff and I are thinking of you and praying for you. Take care!
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